A Major Kelsey Announcement


In an effort to promote congregational uniformity and the pursuit of Christian perfection, a special no-tithers-allowed meeting was held last night and Kelsey Memorial has decided to ban the phrase, “Amen,” from all its activities.  We understand the initial confusion this may cause.  The level of commitment we have to make this a smooth transition, however, will astound you–it would normally merit a strong, “A**N!”

One representative of the meeting said the group was hopeful the move will help our church establish a more meaningful 59-minute worship experience.  Said one person, “I never really understood the word anyway. So I’m looking forward to beating the Baptists to lunch again.”

no speak

Things To Notice

It may be that our Sunday morning prayer time never ends.  How will we know when Henry, John or Miguel are finished praying?  So, peeking while you pray will now be mandatory.

Also, you’ll want to make sure to hold hands at Bible Study or Sunday School.  When you’re done praying, the once awkward, uncomfortable Christian hand-squeeze will now become an essential practice to getting us out on time.

We are working with Cokesbury to provide the Bibles we will need to move forward with our decision, but things are moving slow.  You can expect our new, no A**N Bibles to be ordered as soon as possible.  They make Bibles for everything.  So, we’re not worried about this setback.

While unintended, but seen as a wonderful turn of events, Pastor John will no longer be allowed to say, “Now that’s an A**Ner!”

The Way Forward

Even though 87.316% of our congregation never said the word anyway, the A**N ban comes as a shock to many of our members.  Some of the more traditional church folk have already adapted.  They’ve decided to follow a good sermon point or praise report with a quick, “Hey, Man!”  Great thinking.

We hope you can appreciate the thoughtfulness of our decision, and we look forward to working with you all to make our church a A**N free Zone.

++DISCLAIMER: This post was created on and for  APRIL 1st.++

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